Now that the superbowl is over I dive deep into the malt liquor to bring you my booze soaked thoughts on the season:
The Fighting Emos
2007 Record: 8-5
2008 Record: 8-5
2009 Record: 3-10
3 Year W-L: 19-20
Best Draft Pick: Cedric Benson, Round 11
Worst Draft Pick: Calvin Johnson, Round 1
Real NFL Coach he resembles: Dick Jauron
Season Recap: After capturing two straight division of redheaded ugliness titles, it didn’t take long for the Fighting Emos to submarine the 2009 season with a Wofly-esse 9 game losing streak to start the year. The Homos did manage win 3 of their last 4; unfortunately that was not enough to keep them from finishing dead last and officially winning the right to select Philip Rivers with the #1 overall draft pick next season.
Despite a draft that yielded several late round gems (Brandon Marshall in the 6th, Knowshon Moreno in the 7th, Desean frickin Jackson the 8th, and Cedric Benson in round 11) Atkins terrible/non-existent team management and coaching skills ultimately lead to his team’s early exit from the playoff race.
He routinely started players who were either on bye or injured and continually relied on playing disappointing first round pick Calvin Johnson when DeSean Jackson and Brandon Marshall clearly proved better options. Rumor had it that Atkins wasn’t managing his fantasy team because he had been arrested for stripping naked and biting some lady on her hand outside the local post-office, but this egregious rumor turned out to be false… or the local government just decided why spend good tax-payer money delousing Atkins in the cell next to Plaxico Burress; hasn’t he suffered enough shame working at family video and serving as the head coach of the Homos?
Atkins season in Pictures:
Dabbsie’s Pathetic Meatheads
2007 Record: 6-7
2008 Record: 1-12
2009 Record: 4-9
3 Year W-L: 11-28
Best Draft Pick: Chad OchoCinco, Round 4
Worst Draft Pick: Lee Evans, Round 5
Real NFL coach he resembles: Al Davis’s Corpse
Season Recap: The aptly named Meatheads roared out of the gate to a 2-0 start while managing to avoid the dreaded back-to-back Donovan McNabb / Eli Manning draft selections. This played the cruel trick of giving the Dabbsie-Dos hope for a winning season. The Meatwads followed a 3-2 start with a 6 game losing streak, strategically allowing Dabbise to miss the playoffs but clinch the #2 pick in next season’s draft. I guess when you’re depending on Larry Johnson, Fatdale White, and Jay Cutler as your key players, 4 wins should be celebrated.
And really it should be celebrated… as proof that someone technically considered retarded, who makes a living pawning off useless rental car insurance on unsuspecting suckers, can have a modicum of success on the fantasy football field. But really Dabbsie could have easily ended up at the top of the draft order… he barely squeaked out his wins and was blown out in his losses. His average margin of victory (9.67) was by far the lowest in the league, while his average margin of defeat (-29.99) was among the highest. His 85 points per game were also the lowest in the league (no one else was below 90).
Watching Dabbsie’s fantasy football career is much like watching him in college, hitting on various underage females at a party by saying, “Hi, I’m redheaded, I have no money, and I have VD” and going down in flames over and over again but feeling like the 23rd time would be the charm. Perplexing.
To his credit he was attempting to unload Lendale White all season, but all he could get in return were a few pieces of pineapple upside-down cake and a free night’s stay on Neverland Ranch.
Dabbsie’s season in Pictures:
Them Apples
2007 record: 9-4
2008 record: 9-4
2009 record: 7-6
3 year W-L: 25-14
Best Draft Pick: Brett Favre (round 16)
Worst Draft Pick: Greg Olson (round 4)
Real NFL Coach he resembles: Eric Mangina
Coming off a stellar 2008 season which saw Jake the snake bring home the fantasy bowl championship, Them Apples suffered a precipitous regression in 2009. A draft full of reaches and Dabbsie-Like decisions undermined his chances to repeat as champion. An aging Clinton Portis in round 1, the deplorable TO in round 5, the suspended Marshawn Lynch in round 7, etc.
Yet the real loss this year was not Jake’s dignity (that has been gone for years)… but his figure. The stress of the failures of the 2009 season coupled with the abandonment of the Weight Watchers program has left Jake looking as deconditioned as a pre-subway Jared. Lucky for him I have graciously offered to become his personal trainer… and by trainer, I mean guy who raises the beer bong when he gives the thumbs up.
Fantasy football is in jeopardy because of this very reason… this is exactly why something like 65% of the US population is overweight, obese, or clogging the aisles of my grocery store with their anti-mobility devices so I can’t even reach the goddamn chicken breasts! What happened to the days when I would look forward to grocery shopping because I actually might see a few attractive ladies? Now it’s a bunch of fat women from the VA hospital riding around on motorized carts seeing how many baked potatoes they can stuff into their basket. Is it too much to ask for to see a few smoking hot MILFs when I’m buying my organic milk and Greek yogurt?
Jake’s season in Pictures:
Wolfman Jack
2007 record: 3-10
2008 record: 5-8
2009 record: 7-6
3 year W-L: 15-24
Best Draft Pick: Ray Rice, Round 4
Worst Draft Pick: Tennessee Defense, Round 10
Real NFL Coach he resembles: Tom Cable
Season Recap: The self-proclaimed ‘Wolfman Jack’s’ rise to decency was one of the feel good stories of the year. It started with a solid draft; grabbing Ray Rice in the 4th and Steve Smith of the Giants in the 15th. He drafted so well his team was winning despite his inexplicably bad coaching decisions and serious lack of personal hygiene.
Benching Peyton Manning, outright cutting LT, then later mortgaging half his WRs to trade back for LT were perhaps some of the most ill-advised moves of the season… which proves the fact that if there weren’t government programs to pay for school for people with low to retard level IQs, Wolfy would be selling fireworks on the side highway. At least then he might have less tattoos that featured dogs, baseball players, random tribal symbols, and cousins he made or may not have had ‘relations’ with.
JW’s patented research methodology clearly revealed that Wolfy’s rise to fantasy football semi-respectability came because he rearranged his college priorities. Instead of studying for tests like a sucker he strategically spent his time in the following areas:
- 1. Not getting laid (100%)**
- 2. Authoring winey posts on facebook (45%)
- 3. Posting random song lyrics as his AIM status (27%)
- 4. Playing fantasy football (10%)
- 5. Dumping orange sodas on women who resisted his romantic advances (8%)
- 6. Contemplating which one of the Jonas brothers he will get tattooed on his left cheek (7%)
- 7. Studying for tests and stuff (3%)
**Wolfy can perform the task ‘Not getting laid’ simultaneously with his other college activities.
Wolfy’s Season in Pictures:
The Mighty Kool Kats
2007 record: 6-7
2008 record: 7-6
2009 record: 9-4
3 year W-L: 22-17
Best Draft Pick: Thomas Jones, Round 6
Worst Draft Pick: T.J. Houshmandzadeh, Round 4
Real NFL Coach he Resembles: Steve Spagnuolo, Asian style
After two middling seasons, Jack “The Asianizer” Lai finally managed put together a solid year. Clearly Jackie was spending more time at work playing fantasy football and less time constructing signs for the girl’s bathroom of the local laser tag place where he goes every Friday night.
His squad led the league in points per game with 115, and average win margin at 33.7. The Mighty Kool Kats finished with the second best record at 9-4, and were 2 games better than any team behind him. He also beat Team Box lunch twice; accounting for 2 of 3 Box Lunch loses. After such an admirable season, it was only fitting that Jackie boy choked it away in the playoffs by losing to a middling Team Jamaica by 1.3 points. This is not surprising; if we look back at Jack’s record with the ladies in college, we can see that he’s never been good at finishing.
But my condolences go out to Jackie, because if you’ve not heard, he was recently laid off. Having lately gone through one myself, I can say that it sucks but the upside is that it does give him ample opportunity to fill his weekends with six pack beer, ring baloney, and discount strippers. But real upside is that he can use this as an opportunity to propel himself from a crappy job creating discount signage to a real job where he might earn enough respectability to finally get into his neighbor’s Liz Claborne stretch pants. Soldier on Jackie Boy!
Since I am extremely altruistic, I’ve decided to personally implement “JW’s financial bailout plan” for our bother in his time of need. First step: Contact your oldest and most confused relative and ask to borrow their heirlooms for a couple of weeks. Second step: Look for my game picks on twitter and/or facebook every Friday and bet everything you’ve got. While the smart money may say “don’t bet, save it for your unborn kid’s college tuition or take that dream vacation you’ve always wanted!”… but who’s going to fall for that? Bet the house on my picks every week and you will never have to work again…
… and if that plan fails, my backup advice is to sue to KFC because you “found a rat pelvis” in your 12 piece bucket.
Jackie’s Season in Videos!:
Team Box Lunch
2007 Record: 8-5
2008 Record: 9-4
2009 Record: 10-3
3 Year W-L: 27-12
Best Draft Pick: Matt Schaub, Round 10
Worst Draft Pick: Eddie Royal, Round 7
Real NFL coach he resembles: A more jacked up Mike Tomlin
After two straight years of domination but disappointing finishes, Team Box Lunch looked to get over the hump in 2009 and bring home a championship. Two previous losses in the championship game left coach JW hungry for a title in his 3rd season at the helm of Box Lunch.
Yet despite drubbing the competition in the regular season and clinching the best regular season record in league history, Box Lunch once again came up short in the playoffs, falling to Brooks in the semi-finals 114-110. Injuries and not the skill of the other owners played the key part in Box Lunch’s demise, as vital players Owen Daniels, Dwayne Bowe, and Steve Slaton all went down for extended periods of time.
While ownership demanded answers for yet another playoff collapse, JW took the high road, as a real man does not dwell on mistakes of the past, he denies that those mistakes happened and he points the finger of blame at those not responsible.
But all in the all JW was happy with a successful season after considering the mercurial events which surrounded it. Last season JW got laid off for constantly leaving his cubicle covered in peanut butter. He then subsequently got hired, got a raise, and moved to Colorado… as well as finally settled the lawsuit that the Palace Arms hotel brought against him over the urine content of their soup. Oh yeah and then there was ending up hospital for ‘allegedly’ consuming too much alcohol (where those bastards gave me a cat scan just to run up the bill, those goddamn crooks… everyone knows there is absolutely nothing wrong with my mental state). But on a high note I did convince Jack Lai’s sister to befriend me on facebook by claiming that I was Jackie’s Life Coach… and then subsequently we have conversations about his failings both as a brother and human. This is all part of a nebulous plot to make her my mistress… I will keep you all updated on these pursuits.
JW’s Season in Pictures:
Team Jamaica
2007 Record: 6-7
2008 Record: 6-7
2009 Record: 5-8
3 Year W-L: 17-24
Best Draft Pick: Rachel Ray, Round 6
Worst Draft Pick: Satanna Moss, Round 4
Real NFL coach he resembles: Brad Childress with a fatter face
Okay, okay maybe CO didn’t draft Rachel Ray…but that’s not important… what’s important is the fact that she would definitely be doable if she lost 20 pounds and refrained from speaking… but I digress.
Back to the task at hand: CO began his annual march to mediocrity just as he did in previous seasons, by hovering round the .500 mark, never posting more than 2 wins or 2 losses in a row. He played a weak schedule as 3 of his 5 wins came against the dregs of the league: Dabbs and Atkins. CO suffered the worst loss of the entire season in week 5, getting shellacked by Brooks by over 73 points.
A classic case of a poor team sneaking into the playoffs and then exploding like bad a herpes flare up cause he forgot to take his Valtrax medication… ehhh where was I going with this? Oh yeah, CO’s team is average but had a good stretch to reach the fantasy bowl. Thank god we live in a country where CO is too inept and his face is too fat to start Jonathan Stewart in the final even when it became apparently clear that Deangelo Williams was not playing.
And if that had failed as commish I could have always gone back and edited the past box-score because CO winning at anything is travesty. That’s why he’s still stuck with the same chick he was banging in college, working for some corrupt ad agency, approving expense reports and coming up with creative ways to justify his boss’s use of company money to hire prostitutes to give the entire office reach-arounds as a legitimate business expense.
CO’s Season in Pictures:
Texas State Armadillos
2007 record: 6-7
2008 record: 7-6
2009 record: 7-6
3 year W-L: 20-19
Best Draft Pick: Dallas Clark, Round 4
Worst Draft Pick: Darren McFadden, Round 7
Real NFL Coach he Resembles: Wade Phillips
First, my congratulations to Brooks for winning the fantasy championship, a job well done sir. This victory marks a pleasant end to a tumultuous year for Brooks. A year in which Brooks brook things off with longtime girlfriend/fiancée/crazy cat lady ‘Katie’ (only to see her married to some other smuck the next month), started experimenting with prescription painkillers, and made regular rendezvous with women of the night (who turned out to be men).
But while Brooks made now be single, desperate, and work at a job that would never attract any woman (expect one that lives in the south), it’s all worth it for that sweet fantasy bowl victory. While Brooks has won the championship, has he really won our respect?
Being that this is the decade of scandals among premier athletes, the champion of the Quad Inc fantasy football league needs to join the party and create some controversy of his own… or just do something to become even remotely interesting.
As commish, I will do the right thing and hold off on naming Brooks champion until he becomes someone we can rally behind.
If Brooks wants to be recognized as champion, he needs to act like a champion! He better impregnate someone who arouses me sexually… He needs to develop eccentric superstitions, like soaking his hands in deer urine before every game because it will increase the chances that Jared Allen will get 5 sacks. He needs to have compromising photos surface of him and a shirtless Woody Paige outside of a Tijuana strip joint… or better yet blow his savings on renting yachts and sailing around the world pouring oil into the ocean and having sexy with prostitutes as they smell the fumes while “An Inconvenient Truth” plays in the background.
My point is: It’s not about the victories; it’s about having someone we can root for.
Oh and next year you will not beat me by 4 points in the semi-finals because the goddamn Broncos fall asleep in the red zone against the Raiders and had to kick 14 Matt Prater field goals. As commish, I vow to make things right by painting the fantasy world red with 300lbs of Brook’s steaming, gutted entrails… because if we’ve learned anything it’s that fantasy football isn’t about winning, it’s about humiliating and degrading your friends until their self-esteem is so low that they will soberly hook up with a woman of moderate attractiveness who had already banged both Timothy Doubek and Jonathan Woltkamp…. Ehhh sorry Jack.
Brook’s Season in Pictures:
Can’t wait to do it all again next year you bitches!
- The Commish
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